gay films.

I can't really say why I like "gay" themed films. I mean, besides the fact that I am so painfully transgendered, I really shouldn't be able to identify with many of the themes in these films. First off, I'm not biologically male. So, the whole "jack off your best friend and then be awkward" scenario can't happen. I came out to my parents, but there was no maudlin music, just a slight silence and then, to paraphrase, "we don't really give a fuck."

I guess I feel robbed of that stereotypical gay experience. Which sounds stupid, because some of it is horrible. I mean, the whole "get kicked out" thing, and the faggy best friends... I didn't have that, and I won't ever have that. And I guess that's why I want it, because I can't identify with so many gay kids.

But at the same time, I have such a unique experience, all of my own. And I guess it's weird to say this, but someday I want to share that so that other trans kids out there can know that it's not all stereotypical tears and drama, and that there are other ways of doing it out there.

Anyhow, if they ever made a movie about my life it'd probably be pretty uncontroversial, hah.

something new.

I guess I should finally mention my boyfriend. I don't know what to call him, but I need an alias for him... I guess I'll call him Phoneboy, because we met through our work, which is a calling centre for non profit organisations. Anyhow, so we'd been flirting ever since we first met, and how we've just really hit it off. And got it on, I guess.

I mean, we haven't got that far yet, but we will, and I'm a little... nervous is the only way to describe it. I guess I just don't want to come across too strong. I went over to his house this evening and we watched The Usual Suspects and then made out and ... got undressed. We didn't really get farther than me straddling him shirtless and making out. And he bites... and I really like it.

Anyhow, probably TMI. But I like him a lot, and I'd probably let him do anything at this point. Bad, but still.

He makes me happy, oddly enough.

Plata Quemada

There are some films that have left an indelible mark on me. I guess I'd have to say that I am a person easily influenced by media, not in a particularly bad way, but when I am moved by a film or a photograph, I am moved in a way that most people are not. I am utterly captivated, smitten, moved to tears. I suppose there aren't only a few films, but some that stick out in my mind now are The Wind That Shakes the Barley, My Own Private Idaho, The Dreamers, and Plata Quemada.

This post is about Plata Quemada. I've watched it twice now, and I still can't get over it. I guess it's just so beautiful it moves me more than anything ever has.

It's about two criminals lovers known as the Twins, who are forced to flee their country after a heist goes wrong and one of them is injured. Angel is described as "superstitious" and hears voices. "Le Nene" is his paler counterpart, who is the "brains" behind the duo.

I think the best part of this story, besides the involving and amazing plot, is the chemistry between Nene and Angel. They just look at each other and it's like there are fireworks going off. Watching them makes me believe in true love. They look at each other and you can feel the passion just rising off their skin. There are plenty of heterosexual love scenes in the film, some of them even explicit, but Nene and Angel never fully physically consummate their love on screen. I don't feel that this was out of any prudishness on the director's part, so much as a way of showing that Nene and Angel's love transcends their bodies.

I can't really say much more on the film, I just want you to go watch it.

Love on the bus.

I fall in love with people all the time. The clerk at Borders, the guy on the bicyle, the girl in the BMW next to me on the freeway. All the time, anywhere, whomever, I fall in love. And sometimes it's just looks, like a curve of a neck, or the arch of an eyebrow. And sometimes it's many things, combined into one. These are never long love affairs, mostly because I'll never see them again, but it's in those glimpses, those snatches of time that life is most real to me.

Today on the bus home from work I ran into this beautiful boy, wearing a Dodgers hat backwards. His face was like one of Boticelli's angels, so beautiful. He had a star tattoo on his elbow, and his hair curled just slightly. I wanted to lick his skin all over. It wasn't strange at all, and I guess he caught me looking, because he smiled. I just had to draw him, so I did. It was just one of those moments where I was glad to be human and to revel in human beauty and body.

Losing you.

I guess I'm finally losing you.
Little by little, part by part.
Soul by Soul, finger by finger.
You've fallen away and really, it's my fault,
how many times do I have to say it
before I'm forgiven? I know, I know, I've fucked up
so badly and I know he can't forgive me.
But can you?
Your heart is Big. I know you will. At least on the surface.
But deep down, under the skin of things,
will you, really? No.
I've really fucked up this time. Because I can't excuse this away
with "I've been busy" and how many times can my relatives die,
and you won't believe me. Even though it's the godawful Truth.
Love me, love me, I love you, can't you see.
It's true, I've messed up.
But I thought we had unconditional things. I'll love you forever sort
of things. I forgive you everything things.
Is this so unforgivable?

I'm pushing you away, in my own way, I suppose.
I'm shoving you away so you don't get hurt when I screw up again.
Can't hear you cry again, so I'll put you away from me. Protect my heart
from hurting by hurting myself by pushing you away.
Get away, get away. Make him happy, make me miserable, if only to save yourself.
And I guess I'm finally losing you,
and I've never been so miserable, so Bonecrushingly miserable.
But at the same time,
I'm so glad I'm finally doing the right thing for you.
By letting you Go.

a little bit of nothing.

Today has been just that. I have work tonight, so I've been sitting at my computer all day, doing nothing pretty much. I finally signed up for a Last.fm account for my solo musical project, and I'm starting to work on my music/art website. I've been really looking forward to setting up my online stuff in a more concrete way other than the sort of quasi-page that I have hosted on a friend's website. I need to work on that more, right now actually. I really want something professional looking, but not too overproduced. Something minimalist to the extreme. It's important that the work is not overshadowed by the frame/outline.

Anyhow, first day of summer. I'm looking forward to doing nothing! I have two jobs this summer, but other than that... really, there's nothing going on.

Paco Y Manolo

Paco Y Manolo is a Spanish photography duo that takes some of the frankest images I've seen in a long time. They basically take pictures of nude men, but in a sort of vulnerable, non-pornographi way. Really, it's very interesting art. Or at least to me it is. Anyhow, I thought I'd share a few images, just to spread the love. Thanks to Slava Mogutin's blog for introducing me.

Well, I've finally graduated. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Mostly, I'm tired. We stayed at Disneyland for Grad Nite until five in the morning, so pretty much my brain feels like a sponge. I missed work because my family neglected to get me up in time to make it, so really... it's been an odd day. I got home around eight. Went to sleep forty-five minutes later, and then woke up at five in the afternoon. I felt like I'd been in some sort of bizarre time warp. And I've spent the last couple hours (three or so) tapping away on my new computer that I got for graduation (thank you Mum and Dad).

Graduation was a pain in the ass. I got a burn on one side of my face, and I had to sit through four hundred and ninety nine of my peers receiving their diplomas. And of course, I lost my voice halfway through, which was pleasant for Disneyland. I got a sunflower from the school, which was sweet, if a bit late. Even now, I'm still sort of regretting have done two years of IB when I could have done middle college or something. High school was miserable, and not just because I was in the process of coming out and what not. It's just been a disaster.

I guess I've met some amazing people though, and I wouldn't have been so lucky if I hadn't finished all four years of high school and I'd gotten my GED last year or something.

On another note, there is this girl that I've had a big crush on for a long time. And really, I don't consider myself realistically bi because I rarely get crushes on girls, and they are rarely, if ever, physical crushes. I can emotionally connect with masculine women, and fall in love with them, but the physical stuff comes later. Anyhow, this girl, we'll call her Wonderella, is pretty much the pretty asian babe I've always wanted. She's not girly in the slightest, she's not too butch, she dresses well, she likes piercings (which I have more of now, I got an industrial for my birthday) she's sporty... the list goes on and on. Anyhow, I feel weird about liking her so much, especially since I primarily identify as a gay male. And she knows all about the trans stuff, and even knows I like her, but it's just an issue of getting the balls to ask her out.

She was on the bus with us down to Disneyland, and I basically stared at her the entire time. Which, I fully acknowledge, is a little creepy. Anyhow... it was weird. I just really like her and I don't know what to do about it.

So, I'm an adult. I'm graduated. I'm single. I'm desperately in need of some more masculine glasses and shoes so I can start actually passing as a male. Ridiculous!

thoughts.

The best time in my life right now happens almost every day when I'm walking home from the bus stop after work around ten o'clock at night. I turn up the volume on my ipod so loud that it feels like the music is coming from the sky, or from G-d or something. And I can't hear anything but the music. And I put one foot in front of the other and don't really think, just walk. And sometimes I look up and see stars twinkling in the sky, and I'm just blown away by how beautiful life is. I walk in the middle of the street, and when I round the corner and see our house sitting on the edge of the pavement, I just have to smile and sometimes I just stop, and stand there. In the middle of the road. Just staring at this little glowing house, and I get all thoughtful, and deep. And I know I'm not even giving this the proper description it deserves, but it's something that's so indescribably beautiful.

And usually on these walks home I think about how much I've changed over the last year. I'm eighteen years old, and I'd like to think that I'm a little wiser. Or at least older. I'm me. I'm me, and that's something that is just so beautiful. It's odd, but I'm finally being me by changing things about myself that I always hated, and always disliked, and I'm not "becoming" myself, because I was always myself, but now I'm stripping away the parts that society and time have added on. I feel like an old junker, with extra parts that nobody wants or needs, and I need to be laid bare to the bone, completely gutted of all those things that the world has put in my arms and forced me to be.

This year has been… a growing experience. Now that I'm graduating from high school on Friday, I can't say that I'm especially sure exactly how I've grown. I'm more generous, I'd like to think. I've lost some friends, gained some new ones. I'm still a virgin, hah. I'm still too scared to admit some things to people.

But I'm getting there. And that's what matters, I think.