one year gone

This has got to be a better year. I can't survive another 2007.

2008 planned in advance:

I will smoke as much as I can.
I will get a boyfriend.
I will get a piercing or a tattoo.
I will grow up.
I will leave home.
I will ditch my friends that already hate me.
I will appreciate the true friends that I do have.
I will grow a backbone.
I will stop getting acne.
I will stop teasing my brother.
I will get over all the men of 2007.
I will meet many men in 2008.
I will get a best friend who doesn't use me.
I will get a best friend who isn't on the internet.
I will ditch said best friend on the internet because he is a self-pitying moron.
I will not ditch said best friend on the internet because I love him.
I will love my parents.
I will spend as much time as I can with my family.
I will write more.
I will read more.
I will drink less.
I will drink more.
I will not not not kiss random strangers.
I will not ask out random strangers.
I will stop lusting after the gay, not single boy who works at the occult store.
I will stop drinking so much damn coffee.
I will lose weight by exercise, not starvation.
I will listen to more music.
I will play more music.
I will listen to my therapist more.
I will not do (many) drugs.
I will try to be a better person.

love at first sight...

If you are the Occult shop boy who processed my purchase of an Art Noveau Tarot Deck and a hell of a lot of incense yesterday, here are the main reasons why I should be your main squeeze/soul mate:

1. You have a hell of a lot of piercings. I find this attractive.

2. You are pretty damn gorgeous. You look like James McAvoy. With piercings.

3. You work in an occult store. What more do I have to say?

4. I fucking love your fedora.

5. You are hot. I already said this, but it needed to be said again.

6. You flirted with me.

7. I flirted with you.

8. Did you feel the mutual attraction in the air? That's called love at first sight.

9. You have a good sense of style.

10. You work near the library, next to a used book store, near a comic store, and a block away from the best coffee place in the entire town. Need I say more?

11. I would make you one hell of a cute girlfriend. Never mind that I'm not legal yet and you are probably graduating from college soon.

12. I would read the cards for you with my limited skill. xD

13. The cards already said that it's meant to be. Sort of.

14. The cards never lie.

15. I'm going to ask you if you're seeing anyone next time I'm in the store.

meh.

I was supposed to go see the Sex God today, the first time after his accident two weeks ago. I was really looking forward to giving him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. I even dreamed about it last night, and I guess part of me is so scared to see him. I'm just worried because I've never seen him fragile, he's the kind of guy that is always really well held together, always glued at the seams. And knowing that he's broken up, inside and outside, is just the worst feeling in the world. And part of me wants to just walk away from this (god I'm selfish) and part of me wants to be there for him. And I can't decide which it's going to be, and what I'm going to do. The fact that I even want to see him makes me think that I'm just going to be there for him, but I don't know. He's just… been a major part of my life, platonically, and now I'm just afraid that the accident may have killed off the part of him that I loved best: his spontaneity and his music. The boy has this innate gift, and if he's lost it, I don't know how I can relate to him anymore. I feel guilty, because obviously none of this is to do with me, and I can't understand why I keep relating this back to me, because I'm not a selfish person usually, but he just makes me introspective.

It's just hard. I don't know. I'm going to talk to my therapist about it. She'll know what to do. I…

I think I've lost him for good.

and when things couldn't get any worse

The boy I have had a crush on since fourth grade drove his car off a cliff on Wednesday night. He fell 250 feet. And blacked out. When they got him out of there, at four in the morning, he was carried by helicopter to our local hospital. He broke his neck. And his collarbone. And is currently in ICU. He's seventeen years old. There were no drugs and alcohol involved.

And I miss him so much. It's so weird because he's not dead, not yet, but there is a blank spot in class where he's supposed to be. And when the substitute calls role, and calls his name, I always want him to murmur here in that low voice of his and just end this charade. But it's real. And it's so fucking scary.

I hate losing people.