deus in flammas abiit

”… sic deus in flammas abiit, sic pectore toto uritur et sterilem sperando nurit amorem”.

“and thus the god becomes totally inflamed, so he burns in his whole heart, and nourishes barren love by hoping”.

-- Ovid, Daphne and Apollo from the Metamorphoses

It seems that even ancient Romans knew what it was to be futilely in love.

being in love is like being crumpled up inside

Being in love is like being crumpled up inside and feeling yourself cave into baser instincts.

And you feel yourself let go of any real sense of reality, or what is proper, and what is good for yourself.

I'd lost sense of time.

It's like waking up. I've wasted five months on this boy, and likely will waste at least a few more before he jetsets off to Berkeley or wherever the hell the world takes him. And I'll cry when he leaves, just as I'm crying now when he hasn't even left yet.

And I hate myself for being so damn weak.

"love you forever, but you're driving me insane..."

Oh god, I do love Feist's cover of "Inside and Out".

Let me just say that I'm so tired of men. With the exception of those really sweet ones who love me and don't piss me off. Where are they right now? Nowhere. Actually, I amend that. They are in the arms of peroxide blondes with good teeth and cute button noses. I hate them. I really do. Obscure Object pisses me off-- I really can't stand him much longer. Being near him is intoxicating-- it's like being drunk and everything is rosy. And then I walk away and remember exactly how much of an asshole he is. The irony is painful.

"I'm the girl who loves you inside and out... "

Christ. Leslie Feist, you know exactly what it's like to be completely infatuated.

Here's today's playlist:
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... happiness is not under rated

Well. This weekend did not end up with a hook up with the Obscure Object, as was previously hoped. Instead, it ended up with a hook up with a complete stranger. Albeit, a gorgeous Latino stranger who was my height and danced very well. And was named Ben.

Thank god for JSA dances.

We had danced earlier on in the dance for a few dances; he'd approached me from behind and just grabbed me, pretty much. And after a song or two he said he was "tired" and that he was sorry. I shrugged, figuring he was giving me a polite brush off.

Later in the night, I saw him dancing with Isobel, and I gave him a flirty smile and when I was heading off the floor to get a drink I waved goodbye in a particularly flirtatious way. When we got back, he just grabbed me and we pretty much danced until the end of the dance together.

And he kissed me-- no, not kissed me, made out with me. I've never made out with a guy before. I almost forgot to dance-- it was amazing. I mean, I've kissed guys before, but nothing with tongues. Pretty much it was amazing.

Anyhow, I totally didn't regret not hooking up with the Obscure Object, because I saw him locking lips and hips with some fake blonde tramp from Newport Harbour. No thanks, shant put my hands anywhere near anything that has touched that piece of slime.

Overall, the convention was pretty much amazing. Great debates, great fun. Good times all around. And my very first hookup. I think I'm pretty much on top of the world right now.

Updated:

I've put together a playlist to describe today and the weekend.

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disaster at sea

Not quite at sea. But in general, disaster.

This morning, Isobel said "Oh my god, you have to listen to this..." She then went off on an amazing spiel. She had talked to the Obscure Object the night before. He had said, in no uncertain terms, that the girl behind him in TOK should confess how she feels before Spring State, and that he had known that she'd liked him for some time.

The girl who sits behind him TOK? Me. Naturally, I guess that it meant that he was interested. It seemed like a logical conclusion. And being the honest girl that I am, I confessed to Isobel that I had had no idea that he was remotely interested, and that was why I had never had any intention of ever telling him my feelings.

During TOK, I tried to address him, but it turned out he'd taken the vow of silence. This note transcript sprung from our encounter:

Obscure Object: What?

Me: Did you talk to Isobel last night?

O. O. : I talk to her almost every night, but yes.

Me: Well, I might as well tell you then, since you already know. How do I put this so you won't think less of me?

O. O. : Why would I think less of you?

Me: When I'm nervous I tend to babble like an idiot. Here it goes: I've had a crush on you since November, and I never had any intention of telling you until Isobel pushed me.

O. O. : Well, I'm sorry you felt you couldn't tell me before. But I guess that I'm flattered. Sorry, I don't really know what to say, but I truly do thank you for telling me.

Me: Well. I shouldn't have, because I've always known you weren't interested. But thank you for being gracious enough not to mock me.

O. O. : You should have told me. And I'll be honest. I haven't been interested. But who knows? JSA is coming up. The whole weekend will be unpredictable.

He said he wasn't interested. And then he said "Who knows?"

Asshole. And yet I still am madly in love with him. You know what else what he told Isobel? He's not interested in a relationship right now, he's a senior. Just about to head off to college and a brighter future: he wants nothing tying him down. No one. And I accept that if he makes a move, I'll be a one night stand and nothing more.

Life isn't fair.

Fuck 'em.

Open letter from John Fusciante (of the Red Hot Chili Peppers) in support of Mickey Avalon excerpt:

If people try to push you down, don't conform to their bullshit. Stand up to it, with courage. Make 'em threaten you with death before you even consider backing down. Be how you want to be. Fuck'em.

I think that's one of the most important quotes I've heard in a long time. It says so much about him, but more importantly it gives a great message. That's right John. FUCK 'EM.

idiotic

So, in a fit of stupid inspiration, I posted the link to this blog on my Livejournal that all my friends read. Hours later I realised my folly, and rushed over to delete the erroneous link. Hopefully I have allayed drama... For now. Hah.

So... Here's today's playlist. Topped by Pretty Things, the best slow Wainwright song. He's a genius. And of course, some View, because the Don is like the cutest song ever.

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