I need a new drug

Tomorrow I’m starting on Prozac.


…


That is all there is to say, really.

a little regret

After that last embarrassing post, I suppose I should try and post something uplifting and beautiful. But really, I'm having a hard time thinking of anything that is either uplifting or moving. My life is monotonous these days, and I have no motivation to make something cheerful up in order to put a salve on my ego. This last weekend was good, I suppose, but it was still marred by little moments of insanity that were, frankly, humiliating. Saturday night I went off the wall, and my parents almost drove down to LA to pick me up. I'm glad they didn't, but at the same time, I was so glad that they were finally listening. But after I finally revealed what was wrong, my mother is still saying things like "you have to pretend like you're perfectly even if you're a little blue…" A little blue? A little blue? I cannot even begin to describe how much of an understatement that is. She's suffered with depression herself, a little blue doesn't even encompass a fraction of the myriad of hellholes I've dug myself into.

So on Saturday, after crying for an hour straight, I ended up going out with some friends, and ended up macking it with some guy I didn't know, and felt so incredibly disgusting afterwards. I'm not a slut, and most of the time, I don't feel like a slut when I do things with boys I don't know. I don't think that's "sluttish," mostly because I'm discrete and don't go beyond the boundaries of propriety. But this time something just felt so weird about it, that afterwards, I sort of just closed my eyes and pretended I hadn't kissed him because the idea was just so insanely repulsive to me. It wasn't that he was ugly. It wasn’t that he wasn't a nice kid. It was just wrong all of a sudden. I don't get it, I really don’t.

even just for the day

I've reached the end of my rope. I am wiped. Emotionally, physically, I am drained of all I can give. I'm to the point where I can no longer be unselfish. I cannot hold up any longer. I am just not myself anymore. And if one more person pushes my buttons I will scream and scream until I can no longer hold onto sanity. There is only so far I can push myself, and I have reached the wall. My dreams are plagued with things I can't see; and my life is plagued by my growing sense of disillusionment and paranoia.

I cannot see how I will possibly make it to the end of the week without just dropping out, completely, or just hitting the wall. And if I do both, I wouldn't be surprised. I'm just OVER IT. Over everything.

And I just needed to rant for a few seconds to get it all off my chest and onto paper, because honestly, if I keep everything bottled up like I have a tendency to do, I will end up hitting my head against the wall repeatedly until my forehead is bloody.

I've done that before. And it was weird. And I don't want to do it again.

uncle johnny did cocaine

My appetite aint got no heart
I said my appetite aint got no heart
Shocking people when you feel that pull
Shock 'em, drop 'em when you know its full

I've been listening to the Killers a lot lately, and I really hate how some of their songs just hit a little too close to home. I won't stop listening to them on that basis, but that one song... Uncle Johnny is about my uncle. And I hate it hate hate it. And to admit that I hate it is to admit that he's dead... and goddammit I hate admitting that. It's been years, but I'm so mad still.