meh.

I was supposed to go see the Sex God today, the first time after his accident two weeks ago. I was really looking forward to giving him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. I even dreamed about it last night, and I guess part of me is so scared to see him. I'm just worried because I've never seen him fragile, he's the kind of guy that is always really well held together, always glued at the seams. And knowing that he's broken up, inside and outside, is just the worst feeling in the world. And part of me wants to just walk away from this (god I'm selfish) and part of me wants to be there for him. And I can't decide which it's going to be, and what I'm going to do. The fact that I even want to see him makes me think that I'm just going to be there for him, but I don't know. He's just… been a major part of my life, platonically, and now I'm just afraid that the accident may have killed off the part of him that I loved best: his spontaneity and his music. The boy has this innate gift, and if he's lost it, I don't know how I can relate to him anymore. I feel guilty, because obviously none of this is to do with me, and I can't understand why I keep relating this back to me, because I'm not a selfish person usually, but he just makes me introspective.

It's just hard. I don't know. I'm going to talk to my therapist about it. She'll know what to do. I…

I think I've lost him for good.

and when things couldn't get any worse

The boy I have had a crush on since fourth grade drove his car off a cliff on Wednesday night. He fell 250 feet. And blacked out. When they got him out of there, at four in the morning, he was carried by helicopter to our local hospital. He broke his neck. And his collarbone. And is currently in ICU. He's seventeen years old. There were no drugs and alcohol involved.

And I miss him so much. It's so weird because he's not dead, not yet, but there is a blank spot in class where he's supposed to be. And when the substitute calls role, and calls his name, I always want him to murmur here in that low voice of his and just end this charade. But it's real. And it's so fucking scary.

I hate losing people.

lacking

My life has become increasingly boyless since I last posted. Citrus Boy is sort of out of my life. The Sex God is just a good friend.

The "love of my life" (fuck that) returned to visit from University on Monday, made me cry, and then left again. I suppose he was aptly named the Obscure Object. He's not just Obscure, he's fucking Opaque.

Pretty much the only guy in my life now is strictly platonic. I think. I hate it when it gets confusing about those sorts of things.

I'm seeing a therapist on Thursday.
I'm very sick, have a nasty cold.

Homecoming sucked, but I told eveyone I had a good time because I didn't want to ruin the mood.

And I hate high school.
Oh, and I'm beginning to think that I'm never going to get into college.
Otherwise, I'm fantastic.

I read a fucking amazing book. It was called "the Line of Beauty," and it's about a gay boy living in the mid 80s conservative upper class England and all its idiosyncracies... Amazing book. Won the Booker Prize.

wonderful world/quantum physics

"And I know that it's a wonderful world/ But I can't feel it right now/ Well I thought that I was doing well/ But I just want to cry now/ Well I know that it's a wonderful world/ From the sky down to the sea/ But I can only see it when you're here, here with me."

Basically, I have very good news. The Sex God and the Obscure Object are going to Spring State.

This merits for my playlist of the day: James Morrison, Sexy Back, more Muse, some amazing Isobel Campbell with her fantastic Bang Bang, and some fucking awesome Comets on Fire.
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Seeqpod Music

In other news, we watched What the *BEEP* do we know" in TOK today-- and the Obscure Object poked me to illustrate that I am only possibility when he closes his eyes, due to quantum physics. Let's just say that I feel remarkably intelligent because I am able to slightly, barely, maybe grasp the faintest idea of what quantum physics means. Actually, I don't really understand it, but I understand this: if it's true, when you close your eyes everything is possibility.

When I learn something new, or remarkable, I always feel reborn, rejuvenated. It's like the world is suddenly beautiful again, and I can marvel at the magic in the world and gasp and be in awe that our world is so amazing. One particle is in two places at the same time-- that is such an amazing, amazing idea.

[...]

The Sex God #2 greets me in the halls these days. I'm always rather dazed when he does-- and it seems like Jose Gonzalez's song "Lovestain" is playing in the back of my mind when he does... Strange?

I've decided that life isn't all that bad.

Although, I did sign up for IB Music today for next year. Stupid, stupid girl. I suppose I shall never ever learn.

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... !

The Sex God touched my arm today!

I was in the back of the theatre freaking about something, when the Sex God#2 walked by, with some of the members of one of his many bands. He touched my arm, and said hi. And he smiled. I swear-- I swooned and said, in a rather weak voice, "Hey". ... Hey? Hey? How about-- "I think you are beautiful and I am totally in love with you?" Yeah. That sounds right. I've had a quasi-crush on him since fourth grade. He's pretty much the boy I'll always wish all my other crushes were.

In other boy news-- the Obscure Object and I have struck up numerous conversations in the last few days-- I think he thinks I'm stupid, but I'll prove him wrong.

In a completely different hemisphere-- I got a hundred percent on my Mexican Revolution paper!