hey jack kerouac...

Who is Your Alter Poet?

Way to go, your alter poet is Jack Kerouac, who is by FAR the coolest! Take this quiz! Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

This amused me to no end. I'll be honest and admit that I am a rather large Kerouac fan, although I fucking hate the word beat and I will beat (haha) anyone over the head who happens to use the words "cats," "jive," "groovy," and or "hip," in my general vincinity. After I read On the Road I started smoking, so I can generally blame Kerouac for the descent of my health and my current addiction to Camel #9s. Or maybe it's just the pink and black box that's addicting. Well, anyway. Kerouac and I are apparently quite alike, and he's my "alter poet" ego or whatever.

I'm posting entirely too much today, but I really can't help but write a little. I guess it's just that I haven't written in a long time, and this is my one outlet of pretension. I haven't written poetry in like two months, and anything prose I've written has been bordering on psychotic, and I don't mean that in a "haha, I'm soooo crazy" kind of way, but more like it doesn't make any sense. I wrote short story around midnight about a month ago, and when I woke up the next morning and read it was pure gibberish. There were a few gems of sentences in there, so I extracted those and set them around in a sort of semblance of a story, but I'd be lying if I said it made any sense after that.

Anyhow, I just need to get some stuff off my chest.

And a question, what does everyone have against lesbians? All my gay guy friends disdain lesbians, and everyone seems to think there's something wrong with it. Why is that gay guys are more accepted? Well, relatively accepted by society. This has been giving me a bit of a pause lately. Not because of any recent revelations about my sexuality, I've known for a while that I'm at least bisexual, but I've been trying to get more involved in GLBTQ rights, and I've noticed that there's a lot of like prejudice within the movement itself. Like, for some reason everyone hates bisexuals. And a lot of gay guys have nothing but scorn for lesbians (and bisexuals). It's just making me pause and think about some stuff. I'd thought about coming out soon (and I did come out a couple close friends earlier this week) but now I'm not so sure. I don't want to be accused of being "a fake" or a "transitioner," although I'm sure that's always a possibility. I just want to be taken at face value, not like I’m trying to cheat someone just because I like boys and girls. It's very frustrating to lose faith in a group that I thought I could identify with, and a group I thought that would accept me. It's hard enough coming to terms with sexuality, and I thought that it'd be easier because there are more resources for GLBTQ kids now, then ever before. But I feel like I’m running up against a brick wall again and again, slamming my head in. I'm not straight, and I'm not entirely gay, so I have nowhere to go. Not to mention I'm half Asian and half white, so I have no ethnic identity either. I'm stuck in the middle of everything, and I just hate it.

Rufus! Rufus!

I got to see Rufus Wainwright last night, and pretty much all I have to say is that he is a GENIUS. As soon as he opened his mouth and started singing I started sobbing like a baby, just absolutely emotionally wasted because his voice just moves me to a place that I can't even begin to describe. He's like the most influential musician in my life… ever. I mean, seriously. He has amazing style, amazing lyrics, and his music is so lush and orchestral. He was performing solo, so it was even more amazing to see him play some stuff that I didn't think could be adapted for the piano or guitar. He makes me want to be a gay guy so I can have an excuse to wear tailored suits like he does. His boyfriend was there, and he made a really cute dedication to him. Of course, he made the obligatory jokes about California (which is fine, really) and I laughed a lot. The show was just… phoar. And of course, he was kind enough to do an enchore and he played my favourite song, Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk which was (is) my anthem. I'm serious, that song is so relatable to me. I just get it. It makes me life make so much more sense. I went out and bought chocolate milk this afternoon and sat around smoking and I felt like so cool, (which is incredibly lame) but I totally get what he means. Anyhow, he's amazing. See him live if you can. I just can't gush enough about how fucking brilliant his new album is, and of course Poses is his other best album.

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

a long time

I guess it's been a long time since I've posted. Well, I got a boyfriend (we'll call him Guitarboy) and I lost him. Well, more like I got rid of him because it wasn't working and it was long distance and we never saw each other... long story short it was a disaster and I'm not sorry I ended it. Even if it did end up hurting his feelings. Yeah, I'll start writing again soon.

goodbye casanova

When I heard about Heath I went outside and chain smoked for about an hour. 

Thanks for sharing your talent with the world, Mr. Ledger. 

here, now

I got into the college of my choice. Yes. Oh my god.
I got 18,000$ scholarship (which isn't enough, but hopefully I'll get the full tuition scholarship too).

I better be going come Fall.

je te déteste

My friends are driving me crazy.

Literally.

I had a massive panic attack in class today because Jules is just… treating me like shit. And it's beginning to affect my mental health. I do not know what to do. Because fuck, I love her, but dammit.

I cannot handle anymore of this shit.

I know I need to see my therapist, who I haven't seen in like three weeks, and I need to up my meds, and I need to do about a thousand different things to help my cope, but I can't right now. I just want to curl up in a ball.

It's like last summer, except a thousand times worse because I can't escape to my room and hide for days. I have to go to school every day and see people.

I've been writing stuff on my arm, just as a way to remind myself of what I love. Quotes from my favourite books, etc. But sometimes, it's just not enough.

"Want what you can have," my elbow says. Yeah.

"Life chooses us; we do not choose it," my forearm warns.

And finally, the best; "je te déteste." That is my life in a fucking nutshell.

meh

These past few days have been hell. Returning to school is always bad, but returning to school after such a lacklustre holiday has made it especially painful. Anyhow, my life has been particularly weird lately.

But today was good; mostly because of PostSecret. There were quite a few good ones up today.