lacking

My life has become increasingly boyless since I last posted. Citrus Boy is sort of out of my life. The Sex God is just a good friend.

The "love of my life" (fuck that) returned to visit from University on Monday, made me cry, and then left again. I suppose he was aptly named the Obscure Object. He's not just Obscure, he's fucking Opaque.

Pretty much the only guy in my life now is strictly platonic. I think. I hate it when it gets confusing about those sorts of things.

I'm seeing a therapist on Thursday.
I'm very sick, have a nasty cold.

Homecoming sucked, but I told eveyone I had a good time because I didn't want to ruin the mood.

And I hate high school.
Oh, and I'm beginning to think that I'm never going to get into college.
Otherwise, I'm fantastic.

I read a fucking amazing book. It was called "the Line of Beauty," and it's about a gay boy living in the mid 80s conservative upper class England and all its idiosyncracies... Amazing book. Won the Booker Prize.

no pants dance

So, I went to a No Pants Dance on Saturday night, and even though we didn't stay out all that late, it was awesome. It was in this guy in my art class's garage, and there were so many people there. He played mostly euro-trance and there was a strobe light going, which makes everyone look beautiful, and it was so trippy. It was so hot that the walls were sweating, and I soaked through my bra and underwear within five minutes. I danced with this one guy, and even made out with him for a second before realising that I knew him, and that he was my boss's half brother. Whoops.

Otherwise, good times... We plan on attending the next one. The only upsetting part was that the Obscure Object brought his girlfriend, who really wasn't all that cute, and he was showing her off like she was something to be envied. But I wouldn't tap that, personally. She was blonde and sort of stupid looking, and that's all I have to say on the matter.

I forgot to mention, I turned seventeen on Friday. Pretty exciting. I'm now able to go watch NC-17 movies and R rated films. That much closer to independence and age of consent.

No need to worry

I don't have to worry about pardoning him for further crimes.

He has a girlfriend. And he was just asking me for advice on how to spend time with other girls, emphatically not me, without hurting her feelings.

You know what he said? You know what he said?

"You waited too long, now you'll have to find someone else."

To which I replied, "Awh, fuck you." And promptly signed out of AIM without the intention of ever emailing, speaking, or acknowledging his presence ever again.

Obscure Object: did i offend you?

Angy: I don't know if I should answer you. You'll just get offended right back.

Obscure Object: i wouldn't. or at least i wouldn't hold it against you. ps. i'm sorry if talking about all of this was inappropriate

Angy: No, it was completely appropriate. It's sort of been festering since November, hasn't it? I just wrote a long whole rant about how I don't understand you, and how liking you has been a waste of time, etc. etc. But I just deleted it. Because you don't need to know. I'm done divulging anything-- I've already divulged enough.

Besides, I don't think you care.

Obscure Object: I'm really sorry. i honestly don't know what i was thinking. but you're a friend. a good one at that. and i really hope that we can maintain a good friendship. you're someone who i can talk to. i look forward to these conversations.

Angy: I look forward to them too. But for different reasons. And that's why I think I need to spend some time away from you.

I'm not some stupid lovelorn girl who is going to pine after you because I've been rejected. After I have successfully mended my feelings, I'll get ahold of you.

(a few minutes later)

Angy: Fuck it. You make me laugh, and you're an interesting conversation holder. I really really like our conversations, and I'd rather be unhappy for two minutes, than miss talking to you in a week. Truce?

After which, I got back on AIM and we mended bridges.

In a way, this is a very good thing for me. I won't be living some little sob story now, I won't be mislead by his every smile in my direction.

I told him so much today. About me. Things that I haven't even told my best friends. And he accepted it. I'm sure it changed his perception of me, perhaps to the worse, but he listened. And that means more to me than any kisses, or any words of endearment.

Endings are sad, but necessary, I think. I'll never stop loving him, in my own way, but now I can stop wishing for something I should have known would never happen, not in my wildest dreams. And I can go back to liking mediocre boys with little talent or brains, and settle for less than ideal. Going back to the staid old men of my life shall be boring, but it was nice to have him as a dream for a while.

Regardless, we've forged something more than friendship. Not romantic, that has been stressed so far. But to know so much about each others feelings, and our respect for each other?

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Can't you see?

He said to me, "Can't you see?" when I asked him to read me something off the board. My eyesight is too poor to see that far, and I wanted to explain to him that I was practically blind... but suddenly it seemed like words were far too much to explain how I felt, what I wanted, and it was suddenly much more than a homework assignment on the whiteboard.

So, instead of giving him a coy, convoluted answer like I would any other day of the week, I just looked him in the eye and said "No."

And it was the truth; I can't see a lot of things. I can't see how madly obsessed I've been, how I've excused his behaviour.

This last weekend he did something again, something horrible. I can't even say it. Needless to say, he's broken my trust. It's not like I can even mention it to him now, because it's none of my business.

But in a way, it is my business. Only because I've defended him at every turn, and I can't any longer. I cannot stick up for him after this, not after this. And I wasn't directly involved, so I cannot approach him and tell him what he's done wrong. I want to send him an email saying "Look what you've done! Look!" and hope that he does. But I can't, and I won't.

Now, I am turning the phrase around.

"Can't you see me?"

I want to pose this question to him, pose this question to him. Can't you see me? I don't think he can. He says he respects me, and that he is flattered that I love him. But he cannot see me, no more than I can truly see beyond his beauty. I am blinded by my love for him, and I cannot see his true self.

And it is horrible to admit that I no longer trust him, respect him, or even wish to be his one and only, but I still love him more than any other person I have ever loved.

And I cannot go on much longer being willfully blind.

camping?

So, I had plans this week to head with the Obscure Object and his gang up to Tunnel Road at some late hour on Friday, to hang out, party, you know the deal. I also had plans to go get plastered with another friend on Saturday, you know, the party before the plunge of IB testing.

No cigar. Guess who is going on a department camping trip this weekend? Me. Guess who has four testing dates next week? Me.

Agreed my plans to go out and get stoned off my ass weren't exactly conducive to a proper testing condition, but that is immaterial. I was fully prepared to spend all of Sunday studying very very hard. Yes, very very hard. And I spent this last weekend studying very hard so that I wouldn't have to cram next weekend anyway.

Camping? I don't mind camping, but not in the middle of the school year, and before two of the most important tests of my life!

I'll admit: I'm a hypocrite. A hypocrite of the worst sort. I'm more put out about having to put aside yet another opportunity to spend time with him.

Spiderman? No....

So, Obscure Object invited me to go see Spiderman 3 tonight with a bunch of his friends. Shall I be going? No... because I'm grounded.

I forgot to sign up for the ACT-- and for this reason I am grounded. Can I say that the ridiculousness of this has become rather disproportionate? I cannot believe my mother. What a fucking stupid thing to ground someone for. If I'd come home smelling of pot, or cigarettes, I'd expect punishment.

But I am an ideal child. I get decent grades. I don't do anything rebellious. I curse a little bit, but always apologise. I am well behaved, polite, articulate. I do not embarrass her in front of guests.

It's like she's grasping for straws with which to punish me. I am not only indignant, but fucking offended that she has so little do in her life that she feels the need to get mad at me for something that easily remediable.

deus in flammas abiit

”… sic deus in flammas abiit, sic pectore toto uritur et sterilem sperando nurit amorem”.

“and thus the god becomes totally inflamed, so he burns in his whole heart, and nourishes barren love by hoping”.

-- Ovid, Daphne and Apollo from the Metamorphoses

It seems that even ancient Romans knew what it was to be futilely in love.

being in love is like being crumpled up inside

Being in love is like being crumpled up inside and feeling yourself cave into baser instincts.

And you feel yourself let go of any real sense of reality, or what is proper, and what is good for yourself.

I'd lost sense of time.

It's like waking up. I've wasted five months on this boy, and likely will waste at least a few more before he jetsets off to Berkeley or wherever the hell the world takes him. And I'll cry when he leaves, just as I'm crying now when he hasn't even left yet.

And I hate myself for being so damn weak.

"love you forever, but you're driving me insane..."

Oh god, I do love Feist's cover of "Inside and Out".

Let me just say that I'm so tired of men. With the exception of those really sweet ones who love me and don't piss me off. Where are they right now? Nowhere. Actually, I amend that. They are in the arms of peroxide blondes with good teeth and cute button noses. I hate them. I really do. Obscure Object pisses me off-- I really can't stand him much longer. Being near him is intoxicating-- it's like being drunk and everything is rosy. And then I walk away and remember exactly how much of an asshole he is. The irony is painful.

"I'm the girl who loves you inside and out... "

Christ. Leslie Feist, you know exactly what it's like to be completely infatuated.

Here's today's playlist:
Playlist Recommendations

Seeqpod Music

... happiness is not under rated

Well. This weekend did not end up with a hook up with the Obscure Object, as was previously hoped. Instead, it ended up with a hook up with a complete stranger. Albeit, a gorgeous Latino stranger who was my height and danced very well. And was named Ben.

Thank god for JSA dances.

We had danced earlier on in the dance for a few dances; he'd approached me from behind and just grabbed me, pretty much. And after a song or two he said he was "tired" and that he was sorry. I shrugged, figuring he was giving me a polite brush off.

Later in the night, I saw him dancing with Isobel, and I gave him a flirty smile and when I was heading off the floor to get a drink I waved goodbye in a particularly flirtatious way. When we got back, he just grabbed me and we pretty much danced until the end of the dance together.

And he kissed me-- no, not kissed me, made out with me. I've never made out with a guy before. I almost forgot to dance-- it was amazing. I mean, I've kissed guys before, but nothing with tongues. Pretty much it was amazing.

Anyhow, I totally didn't regret not hooking up with the Obscure Object, because I saw him locking lips and hips with some fake blonde tramp from Newport Harbour. No thanks, shant put my hands anywhere near anything that has touched that piece of slime.

Overall, the convention was pretty much amazing. Great debates, great fun. Good times all around. And my very first hookup. I think I'm pretty much on top of the world right now.

Updated:

I've put together a playlist to describe today and the weekend.

Playlist Recommendations

Seeqpod Music

disaster at sea

Not quite at sea. But in general, disaster.

This morning, Isobel said "Oh my god, you have to listen to this..." She then went off on an amazing spiel. She had talked to the Obscure Object the night before. He had said, in no uncertain terms, that the girl behind him in TOK should confess how she feels before Spring State, and that he had known that she'd liked him for some time.

The girl who sits behind him TOK? Me. Naturally, I guess that it meant that he was interested. It seemed like a logical conclusion. And being the honest girl that I am, I confessed to Isobel that I had had no idea that he was remotely interested, and that was why I had never had any intention of ever telling him my feelings.

During TOK, I tried to address him, but it turned out he'd taken the vow of silence. This note transcript sprung from our encounter:

Obscure Object: What?

Me: Did you talk to Isobel last night?

O. O. : I talk to her almost every night, but yes.

Me: Well, I might as well tell you then, since you already know. How do I put this so you won't think less of me?

O. O. : Why would I think less of you?

Me: When I'm nervous I tend to babble like an idiot. Here it goes: I've had a crush on you since November, and I never had any intention of telling you until Isobel pushed me.

O. O. : Well, I'm sorry you felt you couldn't tell me before. But I guess that I'm flattered. Sorry, I don't really know what to say, but I truly do thank you for telling me.

Me: Well. I shouldn't have, because I've always known you weren't interested. But thank you for being gracious enough not to mock me.

O. O. : You should have told me. And I'll be honest. I haven't been interested. But who knows? JSA is coming up. The whole weekend will be unpredictable.

He said he wasn't interested. And then he said "Who knows?"

Asshole. And yet I still am madly in love with him. You know what else what he told Isobel? He's not interested in a relationship right now, he's a senior. Just about to head off to college and a brighter future: he wants nothing tying him down. No one. And I accept that if he makes a move, I'll be a one night stand and nothing more.

Life isn't fair.

wonderful world/quantum physics

"And I know that it's a wonderful world/ But I can't feel it right now/ Well I thought that I was doing well/ But I just want to cry now/ Well I know that it's a wonderful world/ From the sky down to the sea/ But I can only see it when you're here, here with me."

Basically, I have very good news. The Sex God and the Obscure Object are going to Spring State.

This merits for my playlist of the day: James Morrison, Sexy Back, more Muse, some amazing Isobel Campbell with her fantastic Bang Bang, and some fucking awesome Comets on Fire.
Playlist Recommendations

Seeqpod Music

In other news, we watched What the *BEEP* do we know" in TOK today-- and the Obscure Object poked me to illustrate that I am only possibility when he closes his eyes, due to quantum physics. Let's just say that I feel remarkably intelligent because I am able to slightly, barely, maybe grasp the faintest idea of what quantum physics means. Actually, I don't really understand it, but I understand this: if it's true, when you close your eyes everything is possibility.

When I learn something new, or remarkable, I always feel reborn, rejuvenated. It's like the world is suddenly beautiful again, and I can marvel at the magic in the world and gasp and be in awe that our world is so amazing. One particle is in two places at the same time-- that is such an amazing, amazing idea.

oh my god

First off, I got permission to go to Spring State in April. Secondly, the Obscure Object might also be going...

Thirdly-- the Obscure Object knows that I like him. This could be a terrible thing, or a very good thing. He certainly didn't act very differently today in class. But he knows. My good friend had a conversation with him last night. It went something like this --

Friend I know plenty of people who like you.
Obscure Object Like who?
Friend I can think of numerous people off the top of my head.
Obscure Object Like Angy?
Friend I don't know about her...

He so knows. But he was totally normal in class today, which makes me think he's

• not interested in me
  
• waiting for the opportune moment to pounce
  
• doesn't give a shit
  

Well. I think it's the first one, but if I thought otherwise I'd be a conceited git. Anyhow... So, I think that some major "playing hard to get" is in order, to avoid embarrassment. He did pass me a note today in class-- about science, agreed-- but he touched my knee, and Muse was playing at very loud decibels again.

So, playlist for the day is rather varied. Pogues for the morning, Rainy Night in Soho due to the rather weird fog... Strokes for the rather hyper bit around second period, and Mika's Take it Easy for the after glow of the hyperness... and Muse of course for that "moment"--hah.

Playlist Recommendations

Seeqpod Music

Dance party in my head

There is totally a dance party in my head right now, with Elvis Costello playing at really loud and horrible decibels... Isn't it strange when you get random songs stuck in your head?

But Starlight (by Muse) was totally playing at full volume during TOK today, when the Obscure Object not only grabbed my arm, but detained me from cleaning up a load of tea that had spilled on my backpack in order to discuss Chaos theory with me... Either he is a selfish bastard, or he finds conversation with me very scintillating.

So, what was the soundtrack for my day? It included a lot of very strange things-- a fair deal of Rammstein, and some very lovely Lily Allen and other rather strange mixtures. OH, a great deal of Paolo Nutini as well. Very strange day-- very strange music. Small sampling of the magic. xD

Playlist Recommendations

Seeqpod Music


Today was one of my friend's birthday-- his seventeenth. He seemed down, so I asked what the matter was. His good friend was hit by a motorcycle the day before-- he was absolutely devastated-- and his parents made him come to school. That's what the Vienna Teng and slow Shiny Toy Guns songs are for-- acknowledgement that even good days for me, suck for someone else.

just when I thought I was getting ahead...

I realised that there is no way in hell the Obscure Object would ever like me. Agreed, he may pay very good attention to me, and check out my boobs, he is not interested in me in any other way than to bounce his theories off of, and to again, check out my boobs. Fuck. I hate life.

And the funniest part of all of this? I still like him. I still LOVE him. Yes, I know, I said the L-Word. No, not lesbian: fucking love. Now, my friends would all be rolling their eyes at this point going "fuck, here we go again", but god damn it, I'm in love with him. I love how immature he is, and how he's constantly an asshole. I love that he can't go a day without arguing-- I fucking adore his impish grin and the way his hair is always casually mussed. I'm a goner when he's scruffy, and hasn't shaved in like a week, and looks like the bad guy from an old western. I'm obsessed, and it's not pretty.

I hate hate hate how in the movies the boy always gets the girl, and it's really never the other way around, unless the crush/love is reciprocal and they're both secretly pining for one another. Because, I really don't think he's pining for me. And never will be.

So I'm just going to keep on loving him, because I don't know how not to, and hating myself for it.

procrastinator

I am seriously turning into the worst procrastinator ever-- I have a huge essay/outline test in History of the Americas, and I haven't done a thing for it. And since I am responsible for the U.S. portion of the information I feel especially guilty. I guess, and I hope, my partner is more responsible than I, and has done her work, because then the essay will be seriously Canada-centric. Which is fine, but it just denotes what a lazy ass I am.

Not only have I put that off, I completely have blown off my math homework, and all of my other work until now. Or a few minutes from now when I'm done with this. And, to top it all off, I have a C in Math. What the hell. I have a A- in fucking Bio, and I have a C in Math. You win some, you lose some. Fuck it all. I'm just so infuriated with life.

And as if life couldn't be any worse, any worse, the Obscure Object has just gotten himself in the biggest shit ever. I mean big shit. He might have just committed a felony. I'm seriously trying very hard to keep it all together, and it's not working. I've been wavering between tears and just intense intense hatred of life. Why? Why? I don't understand, I just don't. Why the hell would someone so intrinsically intelligent do something so stupid?

I really don't understand life-- I don't mean to get so bloody existentialist. But this blog is really only for my benefit, I doubt anyone reads it, ever. So, I guess I shouldn't apologise for the existentialism. But I'm just so angry-- angry can't even describe the contempt I feel for him right now. But at the same time, I just want him to let me cry on his shoulder-- even though, he's the one who needs to be crying.

If he's expelled, I'm going to scream.

... !

The Sex God touched my arm today!

I was in the back of the theatre freaking about something, when the Sex God#2 walked by, with some of the members of one of his many bands. He touched my arm, and said hi. And he smiled. I swear-- I swooned and said, in a rather weak voice, "Hey". ... Hey? Hey? How about-- "I think you are beautiful and I am totally in love with you?" Yeah. That sounds right. I've had a quasi-crush on him since fourth grade. He's pretty much the boy I'll always wish all my other crushes were.

In other boy news-- the Obscure Object and I have struck up numerous conversations in the last few days-- I think he thinks I'm stupid, but I'll prove him wrong.

In a completely different hemisphere-- I got a hundred percent on my Mexican Revolution paper!

Obscure Object woes

Basically, I finally told my friend that I liked him. She was kinder than I would have expected. I would have been nasty and rather catty. But, she wasn't. She was quite unsurprised, really. She just said that she'd suspected, but had repressed the idea. Amusing. I make people repress things-- I guess that makes me rather abhorrent. Anyhow, she said she had no emotional attachment whatsoever, and then advised me that "he enjoys arguing about religion and evolution-- it turns him on". Right then... She also remarked that he was a "bloody good kisser".

Hmm...

My grades for this semester were rather unsatisfactory. So, I promised myself I would buckle down and do very well this next semester. Along with: play guitar every day, update my journal at least twice a week (what bullshit), and wear matching socks. Needless to say: New Year's Resolutions are absolutely ridiculous. Oh, and I have to lose ten pounds. Yeah, right. I'm just way too ambitious, and in this situation, not optimistic enough.

On another note, the Obscure Object is sitting kitty corner from me in one of my classes now. Can we say... true love? The back of his neck is extremely sexy, even though I thought I'd never say something like that about anyone! It's rather disgusting once I think about it. Anyhow, he is still the topic of much revulsion, and I really can't mention his better aspects when everyone is talking about how he reminds them of a lap dog, like a Chihuahua, barking non-stop. Quite an issue, really.

Lust or Love?

I think the Obscure Object might still be a royal asshat/fuck weasel. But I really can’t help but stare at him — pretty much constantly. I know that everyone hates him, and that even I “hate” him, but I really can’t help it. It’s like seeing that slice of cake that you know has been dropped on the floor, but some sick perverse part of you wants to eat it anyway. ‘Who cares if it’s been beat up, a little bit?’ You reason erroneously. But in the end, it’s all the eyes on you that cause you to say, “Ewww. Throw that away.”

Poor analogy, but I can’t really think of a better one that doesn’t involve food, or sexually suggestive metaphors. Perhaps it’s all just lust, and nothing much more than lust. Which would explain the food metaphor. I want to eat him? Not really, he’d probably taste badly, he’s so bitter and full of bile. Lust is a royal pain in the ass. It makes me do things I’d never do normally. Such as, stare at the class fuck weasel as if I want to make out with him at a spur of the moment.