He has a girlfriend. And he was just asking me for advice on how to spend time with other girls, emphatically not me, without hurting her feelings.
You know what he said? You know what he said?
"You waited too long, now you'll have to find someone else."
To which I replied, "Awh, fuck you." And promptly signed out of AIM without the intention of ever emailing, speaking, or acknowledging his presence ever again.
Obscure Object: did i offend you?
Angy: I don't know if I should answer you. You'll just get offended right back.
Obscure Object: i wouldn't. or at least i wouldn't hold it against you. ps. i'm sorry if talking about all of this was inappropriate
Angy: No, it was completely appropriate. It's sort of been festering since November, hasn't it? I just wrote a long whole rant about how I don't understand you, and how liking you has been a waste of time, etc. etc. But I just deleted it. Because you don't need to know. I'm done divulging anything-- I've already divulged enough.
Besides, I don't think you care.
Obscure Object: I'm really sorry. i honestly don't know what i was thinking. but you're a friend. a good one at that. and i really hope that we can maintain a good friendship. you're someone who i can talk to. i look forward to these conversations.
Angy: I look forward to them too. But for different reasons. And that's why I think I need to spend some time away from you.
I'm not some stupid lovelorn girl who is going to pine after you because I've been rejected. After I have successfully mended my feelings, I'll get ahold of you.
(a few minutes later)
Angy: Fuck it. You make me laugh, and you're an interesting conversation holder. I really really like our conversations, and I'd rather be unhappy for two minutes, than miss talking to you in a week. Truce?
After which, I got back on AIM and we mended bridges.
In a way, this is a very good thing for me. I won't be living some little sob story now, I won't be mislead by his every smile in my direction.
I told him so much today. About me. Things that I haven't even told my best friends. And he accepted it. I'm sure it changed his perception of me, perhaps to the worse, but he listened. And that means more to me than any kisses, or any words of endearment.
Endings are sad, but necessary, I think. I'll never stop loving him, in my own way, but now I can stop wishing for something I should have known would never happen, not in my wildest dreams. And I can go back to liking mediocre boys with little talent or brains, and settle for less than ideal. Going back to the staid old men of my life shall be boring, but it was nice to have him as a dream for a while.
Regardless, we've forged something more than friendship. Not romantic, that has been stressed so far. But to know so much about each others feelings, and our respect for each other?
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
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