Raphaël

One of my favourite musicians, Raphaël, is coming to Los Angeles. And I can't go see him. Needless to say, I'm really really disappointed. But since I'm getting to see Snow Patrol later this summer, I really shouldn't complain copiously... But he is so amazing. And I really am disappointed about missing out on his concert...



But I got to see Mickey Avalon live last weekend, and I think Raphaël will live longer than Mickey, so I guess you have to pick and chose your battles. And Mickey was amazing... I almost died when I got to touch his arm.

In personal news, the Sex God fades in and out of my life with alarming speed. He was demanding the lyrics to my latest song last week, and completely forgot hours later. It was amusing. I think drugs were involved.

No need to worry

I don't have to worry about pardoning him for further crimes.

He has a girlfriend. And he was just asking me for advice on how to spend time with other girls, emphatically not me, without hurting her feelings.

You know what he said? You know what he said?

"You waited too long, now you'll have to find someone else."

To which I replied, "Awh, fuck you." And promptly signed out of AIM without the intention of ever emailing, speaking, or acknowledging his presence ever again.

Obscure Object: did i offend you?

Angy: I don't know if I should answer you. You'll just get offended right back.

Obscure Object: i wouldn't. or at least i wouldn't hold it against you. ps. i'm sorry if talking about all of this was inappropriate

Angy: No, it was completely appropriate. It's sort of been festering since November, hasn't it? I just wrote a long whole rant about how I don't understand you, and how liking you has been a waste of time, etc. etc. But I just deleted it. Because you don't need to know. I'm done divulging anything-- I've already divulged enough.

Besides, I don't think you care.

Obscure Object: I'm really sorry. i honestly don't know what i was thinking. but you're a friend. a good one at that. and i really hope that we can maintain a good friendship. you're someone who i can talk to. i look forward to these conversations.

Angy: I look forward to them too. But for different reasons. And that's why I think I need to spend some time away from you.

I'm not some stupid lovelorn girl who is going to pine after you because I've been rejected. After I have successfully mended my feelings, I'll get ahold of you.

(a few minutes later)

Angy: Fuck it. You make me laugh, and you're an interesting conversation holder. I really really like our conversations, and I'd rather be unhappy for two minutes, than miss talking to you in a week. Truce?

After which, I got back on AIM and we mended bridges.

In a way, this is a very good thing for me. I won't be living some little sob story now, I won't be mislead by his every smile in my direction.

I told him so much today. About me. Things that I haven't even told my best friends. And he accepted it. I'm sure it changed his perception of me, perhaps to the worse, but he listened. And that means more to me than any kisses, or any words of endearment.

Endings are sad, but necessary, I think. I'll never stop loving him, in my own way, but now I can stop wishing for something I should have known would never happen, not in my wildest dreams. And I can go back to liking mediocre boys with little talent or brains, and settle for less than ideal. Going back to the staid old men of my life shall be boring, but it was nice to have him as a dream for a while.

Regardless, we've forged something more than friendship. Not romantic, that has been stressed so far. But to know so much about each others feelings, and our respect for each other?

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Can't you see?

He said to me, "Can't you see?" when I asked him to read me something off the board. My eyesight is too poor to see that far, and I wanted to explain to him that I was practically blind... but suddenly it seemed like words were far too much to explain how I felt, what I wanted, and it was suddenly much more than a homework assignment on the whiteboard.

So, instead of giving him a coy, convoluted answer like I would any other day of the week, I just looked him in the eye and said "No."

And it was the truth; I can't see a lot of things. I can't see how madly obsessed I've been, how I've excused his behaviour.

This last weekend he did something again, something horrible. I can't even say it. Needless to say, he's broken my trust. It's not like I can even mention it to him now, because it's none of my business.

But in a way, it is my business. Only because I've defended him at every turn, and I can't any longer. I cannot stick up for him after this, not after this. And I wasn't directly involved, so I cannot approach him and tell him what he's done wrong. I want to send him an email saying "Look what you've done! Look!" and hope that he does. But I can't, and I won't.

Now, I am turning the phrase around.

"Can't you see me?"

I want to pose this question to him, pose this question to him. Can't you see me? I don't think he can. He says he respects me, and that he is flattered that I love him. But he cannot see me, no more than I can truly see beyond his beauty. I am blinded by my love for him, and I cannot see his true self.

And it is horrible to admit that I no longer trust him, respect him, or even wish to be his one and only, but I still love him more than any other person I have ever loved.

And I cannot go on much longer being willfully blind.

camping?

So, I had plans this week to head with the Obscure Object and his gang up to Tunnel Road at some late hour on Friday, to hang out, party, you know the deal. I also had plans to go get plastered with another friend on Saturday, you know, the party before the plunge of IB testing.

No cigar. Guess who is going on a department camping trip this weekend? Me. Guess who has four testing dates next week? Me.

Agreed my plans to go out and get stoned off my ass weren't exactly conducive to a proper testing condition, but that is immaterial. I was fully prepared to spend all of Sunday studying very very hard. Yes, very very hard. And I spent this last weekend studying very hard so that I wouldn't have to cram next weekend anyway.

Camping? I don't mind camping, but not in the middle of the school year, and before two of the most important tests of my life!

I'll admit: I'm a hypocrite. A hypocrite of the worst sort. I'm more put out about having to put aside yet another opportunity to spend time with him.

Spiderman? No....

So, Obscure Object invited me to go see Spiderman 3 tonight with a bunch of his friends. Shall I be going? No... because I'm grounded.

I forgot to sign up for the ACT-- and for this reason I am grounded. Can I say that the ridiculousness of this has become rather disproportionate? I cannot believe my mother. What a fucking stupid thing to ground someone for. If I'd come home smelling of pot, or cigarettes, I'd expect punishment.

But I am an ideal child. I get decent grades. I don't do anything rebellious. I curse a little bit, but always apologise. I am well behaved, polite, articulate. I do not embarrass her in front of guests.

It's like she's grasping for straws with which to punish me. I am not only indignant, but fucking offended that she has so little do in her life that she feels the need to get mad at me for something that easily remediable.