thoughts.

The best time in my life right now happens almost every day when I'm walking home from the bus stop after work around ten o'clock at night. I turn up the volume on my ipod so loud that it feels like the music is coming from the sky, or from G-d or something. And I can't hear anything but the music. And I put one foot in front of the other and don't really think, just walk. And sometimes I look up and see stars twinkling in the sky, and I'm just blown away by how beautiful life is. I walk in the middle of the street, and when I round the corner and see our house sitting on the edge of the pavement, I just have to smile and sometimes I just stop, and stand there. In the middle of the road. Just staring at this little glowing house, and I get all thoughtful, and deep. And I know I'm not even giving this the proper description it deserves, but it's something that's so indescribably beautiful.

And usually on these walks home I think about how much I've changed over the last year. I'm eighteen years old, and I'd like to think that I'm a little wiser. Or at least older. I'm me. I'm me, and that's something that is just so beautiful. It's odd, but I'm finally being me by changing things about myself that I always hated, and always disliked, and I'm not "becoming" myself, because I was always myself, but now I'm stripping away the parts that society and time have added on. I feel like an old junker, with extra parts that nobody wants or needs, and I need to be laid bare to the bone, completely gutted of all those things that the world has put in my arms and forced me to be.

This year has been… a growing experience. Now that I'm graduating from high school on Friday, I can't say that I'm especially sure exactly how I've grown. I'm more generous, I'd like to think. I've lost some friends, gained some new ones. I'm still a virgin, hah. I'm still too scared to admit some things to people.

But I'm getting there. And that's what matters, I think.