we live in a beautiful world...

"we live in a beautiful world, yeah we do, yeah we do…" — Coldplay, "Don't Panic"

Sometimes I forget that the world is a truly unimaginably beautiful, until a day like today. Today felt like my eyes had been opened for the first time since I was very young, and I saw beauty in the small things. The crack in the pavement like lightening. The scrawl of graffiti across a bathroom door. The way that boy who has the Mohawk shrugged his shoulders, as if water were running down his back. Sometimes I get so lost in the every day murmur that I forget about what's really important. The trees, the sky, the people. I get lost in myself, and I forget the landscape outside my own mind. I think that it is not odd for that to happen to people, especially in a suburban or an urban environment. To escape the dreariness of cookie-cutter houses and boxy skyscrapers we retreat inside, and we create a terrain where we can survive. I think the human ability to adapt to monotony is one of the most amazing things in the world: we survive by noticing the details, or drawing within and finding a garden in ourselves. I think that garden is what we use to protect ourselves from pain, from feeling too much. Because living in little cookie-cutter lives is numbing and at the same time excruciating. So we create a coping mechanism.

And I think that for some of us that coping mechanism doesn't work as well, so we end up sort of paralysed on drugs and what not. Sometimes I'm hate my meds so much I want to scream and scream and fucking scream my throat raw, and then I have to remind myself that they're keeping me alive (ironically enough) and there would be nothing worse than losing myself in that strange fluctuating mess between happy and sad all the time. Anyhow, I need to find my garden outside my mind, and today I was able to reach out and touch something I haven't touched in a long time. You know how when you've been holding your breath for what seems like forever, your lungs burn? That's what it felt like, and it was like I suddenly resurfaced and found sanity just above the water.

My college results shall be arriving from Cal on the fifteenth. And I was freaking out about it at dinner, but now that I've had a little time to think and distance myself, I realise that my self-worth and my journey is not dependent on where I go to school. Agreed, my sexual journey would probably be much more fulfilling and meaningful if I was living in the Bay Area and had all the resources I could ever imagine, but I could just stay here. I would feel stifled at first, but then I'd find the beauty in the ordinary things, and then I'd cope just fine.