meh.

I was supposed to go see the Sex God today, the first time after his accident two weeks ago. I was really looking forward to giving him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. I even dreamed about it last night, and I guess part of me is so scared to see him. I'm just worried because I've never seen him fragile, he's the kind of guy that is always really well held together, always glued at the seams. And knowing that he's broken up, inside and outside, is just the worst feeling in the world. And part of me wants to just walk away from this (god I'm selfish) and part of me wants to be there for him. And I can't decide which it's going to be, and what I'm going to do. The fact that I even want to see him makes me think that I'm just going to be there for him, but I don't know. He's just… been a major part of my life, platonically, and now I'm just afraid that the accident may have killed off the part of him that I loved best: his spontaneity and his music. The boy has this innate gift, and if he's lost it, I don't know how I can relate to him anymore. I feel guilty, because obviously none of this is to do with me, and I can't understand why I keep relating this back to me, because I'm not a selfish person usually, but he just makes me introspective.

It's just hard. I don't know. I'm going to talk to my therapist about it. She'll know what to do. I…

I think I've lost him for good.